


October 1981

by dagobletofiyah



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: First War with Voldemort, M/M, POV Peter Pettigrew, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-20 08:55:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20672681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dagobletofiyah/pseuds/dagobletofiyah
Summary: It was hard for Sirius to sleep on the best of nights, what with the war going on, but it was especially hard when Remus was out on missions doing whatever it was he did for Dumbledore.----Remus is away on a mission for the Order of the Phoenix when Voldemort murders James and Lily.





	October 1981

**Sirius**

It was hard for Sirius to sleep on the best of nights, what with the war going on, but it was especially hard when Remus was out on missions doing whatever it was he did for Dumbledore. They weren’t to share the details of their missions with each other in case one of them was captured and forced to reveal secrets of the Order, by veritaserum or less savory means. He never knew how long Remus would be gone or what his work entailed, exactly. Just that Remus always returned pale and with a haunted look behind his eyes. It was impossible really, for Sirius not to worry about him when he was gone.

Giving up on sleep for the time being, Sirius slipped out of bed and padded through the empty flat to the kitchen to make himself some tea. He poked his wand at the kettle and picked his favorite mug out of the cupboard above the sink. It was a present from James, with ‘Padfoot’ inscribed on it and little paw prints that walked around the perimeter of the mug.

James. His best mate. Practically his brother except by blood. It was hard, on nights like these, not to have resentment for James. The war was taking a toll on everyone, and Sirius didn’t doubt it would suck to be holed up in the same house for weeks on end, but at least James had Lily there with him every day. Meanwhile Sirius was clinging to all the hope he could muster that Remus would return at all. Sirius knew it wasn’t fair to look at it that way, not when any one of them was lucky to make it through the next day alive. Still, when he felt sick to his stomach like this with worry, it was easy to feel like James had it good, comparatively.

He took his tea to the seat by the window, looking out into the darkness. Every night he hoped it would be the night Remus returned, and each night, when Remus didn’t appear, his anxiety doubled. How long he sat there, Sirius wasn’t sure, but he woke up the next morning slumped over his half-drank tea, to the sound of Frank Longbottom banging on his door and yelling that he was late to the Order meeting.

**Remus**

Remus never got used to living with other werewolves. They embraced everything about himself he hated. They flaunted their bloodthirstiness, their otherness from humanity. They ripped apart (literally) anyone they came across who vocalized their disgust and many who did nothing at all. They were every day the untethered rage that Remus became unwillingly once a month.

And the worst part about the whole situation was that Remus had to go along with it, had to watch as innocent people were mauled and bitten, and then applaud those who had done it. So far, he had managed to hang back and let others do the mauling, but he was sure one day his loyalty would be put to the test, and when that day came, he didn’t know what he would do. There was no way he could fight off a pack of angry werewolves, even in human form; it would be suicide. But Remus would sooner kill himself than bite or kill an innocent person…right?

Was standing by as he was now akin to biting the victims himself? He could only hope that if he managed to come out of the war alive some sliver of his humanity would remain.

He thought about Sirius, probably asleep in their flat, and thought with a pang how unfair it was that he couldn’t even tell Sirius what it was he was doing for weeks on end or when he’d be back. Sooner or later Sirius would find someone to replace Remus, and maybe that was for the best; Remus didn’t like who he was becoming in these underground dens.

**Sirius**

There was talk of a spy. Not directly, not in the meeting, but even with all their secrecy and precautions word spread quickly between Order members. Sirius was more scared than he cared to admit. He was Lily and James’ secret keeper, and he knew he would die before giving them away to Voldemort, but still, he was nervous.

If he were to die, anyone he had revealed the location of their house to would become a secret keeper, and that meant nearly everyone in the Order of the Phoenix. If there really was a spy in their midst, they would have the means to hand Lily and James over to Voldemort. The idea left a sour taste in his mouth.

Sirius was the obvious choice for James to use as his secret keeper. The two had been inseparable since Year One. It was no secret among the Order, and anyone who knew him and James would likely arrive at the same conclusion. What he needed was a red herring, something to ensure that even if they did catch him, the Fidelius charm would remain intact.

Maybe if he made Remus the secret keeper then when the Death Eaters came after Sirius, at least James, Lily, and Remus would have some extra time to figure out a Plan B. Remus wouldn’t hand Lily and James over to the Death Eaters any sooner than Sirius would himself, in that he was confident. The only problem was Remus wasn’t here right now. Or ever, it seemed like.

Sirius felt the familiar anger and worry rise up in him at the thought. What if, a small voice piped up in the back of his mind, what if Remus is the spy. Who knew what he got up to on his extended excursions. It wasn’t completely implausible.

Sirius shook himself mentally. What was he thinking? Remus was a Marauder, part of their group of friends from Hogwarts, sworn to always back one another up. And after living with him for thirteen years, dating him for four, Sirius thought he should know Remus rather well. Remus would die for James and Lily…right? Any of them would. Even Peter.

Sirius stopped in his tracks.

Peter.

**Peter**

Peter had tried to change Sirius' mind, he really had, but it was nearly impossible to change his mind when he had it set on something. Peter knew that from their days at Hogwarts, Sirius having forced him to participate in pranks he didn’t really want to.

Peter hadn’t ever really had an interest in the shenanigans the Marauders got up to at school. He had mostly just gone along with it because in return James and Sirius helped him with his homework and protected him from Snape. Come to think of it, they had also gotten him into most of those situations in which he then needed protecting. But that was beside the point.

He knew his friends all liked each other better than they liked him. James had Sirius and Sirius had Remus and now James also had Lily. Peter wasn’t all that close to anybody, never really had been. Still, Peter didn’t want to betray his friends.

In the end he’d had to agree, and Sirius had made him secret keeper, saying nobody would expect him to be so he shouldn’t be too worried. Peter knew what was implied in him saying that: that Peter was weak and timid and should never be trusted with secrets. It hurt, more because it was true than anything.

Peter sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. I guess this is it, he thought to himself, and apparated to Lestrange Manor.

**Remus**

It was hard, sometimes, to remember why he was doing this. To remember that there was a world beyond dark tunnels and midnight hunting expeditions and the occasional low-ranking Death Eater bearing a message or instructions from the Dark Lord.

There were countless days when he contemplated simply running away. But then he remembered he was surrounded by a couple dozen werewolves with superhuman strength. He couldn’t even bring his wand with him, as many of the werewolves were muggles who had been bitten and were resentful of magic. He felt naked without it, uncomfortably aware that he had nothing to defend himself from a potentially angry mass of claws and teeth.

It was only after running through the scenario in his head a few times that he would remember that there was a resistance movement and that it was counting on his gathered intelligence. If he was feeling particularly optimistic that day he might even hope for a life after the war. He and Sirius could eventually buy a house, maybe adopt a kid for Harry to play with. But most days it was all he could do to hope he would make it back home at all.

**Sirius**

Sirius was going to murder Peter.

**Remus**

Remus wondered what Sirius was doing. Maybe he was taking a stroll outside in the sun. Remus missed the sun. Or making tea. Remus also missed tea. Maybe Sirius was visiting James and Lily. Chasing Harry around on that toy broomstick he’d given him for his first birthday, and he’d be wearing that big goofy grin… Remus knew it was more likely that he was out on missions of his own, fighting Death Eaters in the street or something. Hating Remus for staying away so long. Or maybe he’d assumed him dead and moved on. Remus hoped he would be able to see him again. He missed Sirius most of all.

**Sirius**

Sirius was going to murder Peter just as soon as he found him. He didn’t even care about the consequences. If the Wizengamot even bothered to give him a trial he wouldn’t deny it. He had no one left to live for. James and Lily were dead, Remus was who-knows-where, probably also dead, let’s face it. And as soon as Sirius managed to get his hands hands on him, Peter would also be dead. How poetic.

**Peter**

Things were not going as planned. This was not how he had meant for things to turn out. Not only had he lost his friends, the Dark Lord was gone, and thus, his protection was also gone. He needed a Plan B, and fast. Fortunately, people would assume Sirius had been the one to reveal James and Lily's location. That would buy him time. All he needed was to disappear for a while.

**Remus**

He knew it was unlikely any of them would be able to simply slip back into their normal lives after everything they were going through, but still, Remus clung to the idea of a normal life to keep him sane. He wanted nothing more than to do mundane, everyday things with James, Lily, Peter, and Sirius.

**Sirius**

Sirius advanced on Peter, wand drawn, ready to cast the worst of there unforgivable curses.

"S-sirius, p-please," sputtered Peter, eyes darting frantically, looking for an escape. "You don't understand."

"Oh, I understand perfectly Peter, that you are a lying goddamn coward and a sorry excuse for a friend."

"I didn't mean to--"

"Didn't mean to--YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED FOR THEM," Sirius yelled, rage consuming him. He pointed his wand between Peter's eyes.

Peter seemed to have accepted his fate and stood frozen, eyes crossed in an attempt to focus on Sirius' wand. Now was the time. Just cast the curse, idiot, Sirius thought to himself. But he couldn't do it. Just stood there with his wand leveled at Peter's face, knowing James would never have wanted Sirius to become a murderer on his behalf.

Peter seemed to unfreeze then, and hurriedly moved away from Sirius. He waved his wand and a large chunk of the pavement exploded between them. When the dust had settled, Peter was nowhere in sight. Sirius looked around confusedly for where Peter had gone, thinking he had probably apparated away. But then he spotted a familiar looking rat scampering over a bloody finger--_what the fuck?_\--and down into the sewer. 

A bark-like laugh escaped from his lips. What had just happened? Fuck Peter, the scumbag. No, really, fuck himself. It was his fault for making Peter secret keeper, and his fault for not killing Peter when he had him cornered. Or at least stunning him and bringing him to Dumbledore, he thought. Sirius didn't fight the aurors as they frog-marched him through the gates of Azkaban. He deserved it, really.

**Remus**

The war was over and Remus didn't think he'd ever heard better news. The war was over and that meant he could return to the flat he shared with Sirius and stay there for good. The war was over and tomorrow they could visit James and Lily and cry over the fact that they had all escaped the war alive. The war was over.

When Remus got back to an empty flat, he assumed Sirius was out rejoicing or traveling back from some mission he had been on. He made tea, put on one of Sirius' sweatshirts and went to bed, happy to be back where he belonged.

He didn't learn what had happened until he read it in the paper the next day. He sat at the kitchen table for over an hour, just staring at the front page. James and Lily dead. Peter dead. And Sirius as good as dead. Remus had thought he had lost himself in the war, had become a different kind of person, but what had happened to Sirius to make him do such a terrible thing as to betray his best friend? That Sirius was so far from the Sirius Remus had thought he'd known that his brain couldn't seem to process it.

When he was finally able to get up from the table, Remus went straight back to bed, hoping desperately as he cried himself to sleep that this was just some awful dream and everything would be different in the morning. Even if he was back in the werewolf dens, if it meant his friends were okay, then he would be glad to be back.

But when he woke up the next morning, the paper was still there with the same headline and pictures, and there was nothing Remus could do to escape the truth of what had happened. He was alone now, well and truly.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I’d love any and all feedback you have!


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